Photo Card

View the entire collection of cards.

My spotted mind

So I haven't been feeling very thankful or positive lately. I'm just being honest. I've been pretty down about just about everything the last couple of weeks. Can't figure out what direction my life is supposed to head in; can't seem to get my head above water. I keep listening to all these different thoughts and ideas and philosophies, but I think maybe instead of listening right now, I need to rest. To calm myself and find peace within myself so that I can be a more attentive listener later. I feel as though right now I am wanting to move in more positive directions, but I feel so cluttered and bogged down that I don't take in everything wholly. I need to let the fog lift and sweep the cobwebs out so I can see clearly what is laid before me. My children have been out of control the past couple of days and it's really taking its toll on me. I realize, though, that perhaps they are taking their cues from me since I feel so out of control lately. Perhaps I should work on helping them find a little peace and calm tomorrow to. Story time with my oldest was nice tonight. She was very attentive and focused. My youngest kept telling me she loved me tonight after we had had a horrible afternoon behavior wise, so I'm thankful for that as well. Trying to count the simple things. I think I'm going to work on getting some rest for myself tonight as my husband works all day again tomorrow, so I'll be going it alone with the girls again tomorrow. Here's to peace and comfort and hope.

Thankfulness in the new year

So today is my birthday. I was rather bummed when yesterday, both of our cars kind of fell apart. The one I usually drive needed two front tires immediately. There was an actual hole in one of the tires, the tread had completely worn off and the other tire was ready to blow. I was mad at first that now I got to spend my birthday money on two new tires and then have to pay also to fix the muffler that is falling off of the car my husband usually drives, but as time went on, I realized, I am so, so, so very thankful that we did not get into an accident with the tires blowing out or that I wasn't in the car alone with the girls when the tires blew or that they didn't go out on our trip to Michigan/Wisconsin a few weeks ago. I am so grateful that I HAD the extra birthday money to help us with this as we don't have any extra right now. I feel a huge amount of peace and comfort in knowing that God's watching out for us, keeping us safe and providing for us and thankful for our family who loves us so much to be so kind and giving on birthdays! Feeling very blessed today and thankful for the big AND little things!

FOCUS!

Ok, so today, amongst all the places I'm supposed to be, I want to start writing/journaling all my ideas for novels. I also need to get my poetry organized. I'll keep you posted. ;)

Song of Carey 33:1

As my birthday approaches, I'm left feeling apprehensive about how this year will go. I've always been weird with numbers and this year I will be 33. Double numbers (22, 33, 44, 55, all except for 11 and 77) give me a not so good feeling (yes, I know I need therapy). Well, whether I like it or not, this 33rd year is coming and I'm trying to think of a positive approach to it. I'm kind of thinking of creating a "bucket list" type goal list for this year to encourage myself to try some new things. A few of my ideas for my list include: Travel to San Francisco to visit friends, create at least two different coffee table books of my landscape/architecture photos, and to try at least three foods from ethnic regions I have not ever before tried. Nothing too crazy, just some things that I feel would inspire me and kind of help restore some of my creativity. Again, I want to make writing a goal for this year, but I think maybe my approach to my writing is all wrong. Maybe I shouldn't make it a goal, but instead start incorporating it into my daily life. I don't want it to be like a diet where I have all these goals and then when it doesn't work or I'm at my goal I just kind of quit. I want to change my daily habits to make it a part of my everyday life. I want it to be a lifestyle change, not just a diet of writing. So as I begin to enter into this 33rd chapter of my life, I aim to do so with an open mind, a joyous heart, and an adventurous spirit. I hope you'll join me on my adventure!

Moment 4 Life

Yesterday I had the pleasure of attending a carnival fundraiser for a little girl at my daughter's school who is in need of a heart transplant. Watching this beautiful little 8 year old girl who is in pretty desperate need for a new heart smile as her friends surrounded her was so beautiful. There was a silent auction and this girl had drawn several pictures that they framed and auctioned off. The pictures were so beautiful and full of hope and joy. Really made me think of how often I complain or get irritated with my own children and how wasteful of time I can be. Reminded me, too, of twin boys I worked with at summer school several years ago who are living with a terminal disease that has brought them to the point where all they can do is communicate by blinking. They also have a younger brother who has the same disease/disorder. The parents of these boys have taken them to Disney World, take them camping, fishing, swimming, traveling, and the boys even played baseball with designated hitters for them and a person who pushed them in their wheelchairs so that they would be able to run the bases. I'm also reminded of Will Norton, the 18 year old who was sucked out of his SUV and killed on his way home from his high school graduation just weeks ago in Joplin, Missouri, and the faith, hope and courage his family has shown and the amazingly full life that Will was able to live in just 18 years. His sister's video is such a beautiful tribute to Will's life and hope that in his death he has touched so many lives is so amazing.
So how does thinking about terminal illnesses and loss of life in children make me work on my positive thinking? Well, as I was driving to town last night, and feel rather down about how unfair it is that these children have had their lives cut so short or have been so limited in what they are able to do because of their illnesses, a song came on that really just made it all click with me. A few lines from the song reminded me so much of the beauty int he joy of the laughter of the kids at the carnival last night and the smile on the boys' faces when we would sing certain songs in summer school and the Willdabeast videos on YouTube that Will Norton shared with the world:

Moment 4 Life by Nicki Minaj

"I fly with the stars in the skies,
I am no longer trying to survive,
I believe that life is a prize,
But to live doesn't mean you're alive. "

"In this very moment I'm king,
In this very moment I slay Goliath with a sling,
This very moment I bring
Put it on everything, that I will retire with the ring,
And I will retire with the crown, Yes!
No I'm not lucky I'm blessed, Yes!
Clap for the heavyweight champ, Me!
But I couldn't do it all alone, We!"

"But to live doesn't mean you're alive." Hit me in the gut. So very, very true. I would say most days I sit around and don't feel or act like I'm alive. Which is ridiculous. I'm not sick. I don't have a terminal disease. I have no excuse not to make the most out of each and every blessed day I am granted. Now I know this doesn't mean I have to go out and travel the seven continents and do crazy things, but I want to be more aware and present in each moment. Learn a little better to pick my battles with people and let go of anger and bitterness towards others. Appreciate the simple beauty in the coming together of people in my community to support a family in need, take time to sniff my daughters' hair and really absorb the radiance in their smiles, tell my husband thank you for all of the sacrifices he makes for our family and how much I appreciate him.

When that song came on last night, I rolled down the window and stuck my arm out the window and let myself "fly" like I used to when I was little. I let the air rush over me as the street lights reminded me of driving around with amazing friends when I was in high school and how very rarely I look back on that time with adoration and appreciation and I chose to love the moment and be thankful for ALL I have lived through and how it has shaped me. If I could have this moment 4 life, I would love the now and be comfortable with this being my legacy, my now, if this is all I ever had. Not that I will ever give up dreaming or hoping for other things or change, but I will be present in the now while having my hope and I will make my life be lived so I can be proud of my now and be happy with it and with who I am while I'm here. So beautiful is the life that's truly lived.

So simple yet so profound

I watched this video the other day thanks to a suggestion by a friend and it just really blew me away with it's simplicity and it's profoundness. Esther's parallel between the Panama Canal locks and how we look at where we want to be in life made so much sense to me and blew my mind all at the same time. It was like I was being smacked in the head with a book of stuff I already know. I need to learn to be ok with where I am now and do what I need to do now so that I am able to pass through the proper channels to get me to where I want to go. I found the video to be very enlightening and inspiring.

Why Eternal Sunshine?

I love, love, LOVE the move "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" starring Jim Carrey, Kate Winslet, Elijah Wood, Kirsten Dunst, and Mark Ruffalo. It was one of the first movies that really made me THINK when I watched it. Would I really want to erase all the bad, hurtful, negative things that have happened in my life, just to obtain happiness and not live with any kind of hurt? As much crap as I've been through in my life and with as much hurt as I perceive to have gone through, I must say that I wouldn't. In times of clarity, I can certainly see where all of the hurtful experiences in my life have truly built my character and taught me lessons that there is possibly no other way I could have learned. I often got angry and so filled with bitterness that I felt I would die after each of my miscarriages. When I step back and look at it, though, I know that I had to go through that to understand how precious and miraculous each of my children is. It has made me understand how fleeting life is and no matter how long someone exists, whether it be for a week inside the womb or one hundred and five years on Earth, each life touches the heart of someone and makes a difference in some way. Having to watch my grandfather die over the span of several years taught me the true meaning of strength and the value of never wasting a moment to tell someone just how much they mean to you. Never will I take for granted the opportunity to hold the hand of someone I love or to take a moment to tell someone just how much they mean to me. My life is spotted. My mind is muddled with disappointments and heartache and despair. What I choose to do with it, though, is my choice. I can choose to let it eat and destroy me, or I can choose to use the "crap" life gives me as fertilizer to help nourish me and help me grow into the beautiful person I have always been meant to be. So I'm choosing eternal sunshine, but I'll keep my spotted mind. :)

Own Who You Uniquely Are

Today I was thinking a lot about conversations I've had in the recent past with friends about true self verses what we feel we should be as "Christians" or spiritual beings. In my thinking of this today, I realized that we shouldn't be thinking of the two as separate, but as one whole being that was created for a unique and individual relationship with our creator/God/higher being.

I do believe in God, and in that, I have had trouble at times worrying that my passions for music and writing and such don't align with what is "right" or what I should be doing. But what I've come to realize is that that feeling is really that I feel that certain things in my life that I feel awkward about are things that I feel awkward about because of other people's perception of what is "right" and what I should be. If God wanted us to all act the same and do the same things and react the same, why wouldn't He have just created one person or made us all clones? In thinking about relationships, no one wants to have the exact same relationship with everyone they know. What would the point be in having more than one relationship? Relationships are purposeful and beneficial for their diversity and the multitude of unique experiences that are brought from each person's background. If we were meant to live/worship/commune/relate to each other in exactly the same way, wouldn't we have been made that way? We need artists and engineers and writers and Wal-Mart greeters and philosophers and car dealers to each bring something unique to the table. This is why I think I really have trouble with people trying to say "This is how you should worship" God/your higher being/live life. We each have a unique relationship with between ourselves and our world and it is our responsibility to control and direct what we contribute to that relationship. No two people will worship or have faith or believe in or live their lives in the same way, nor should they. We each need to step up and take responsibility for how WE choose to do this and not constantly worry and fret over how others choose to. We need to live out OUR best life and be a light onto others and show love and compassion and strength to those around us.

I often get frustrated with fear based faith and relationships, but I realize that in my frustration, I fuel the fire of fear. I must choose my own path with faith and in my own choice to live in love and light, I will affect those around me and hopefully inspire them to live in hope and love and light as well. I feel we should each embrace our individual strengths and passions and look inward as to how we perceive these gifts to be used and trust that these gifts have been given for a purpose and never rely on other people's preconceived notions on what those gifts were meant for to dictate how you live. That is between you and God. Look within and project outward. Don't look outward and project that inward.

Visualizing

So one of the things that I'm trying to start doing to improve my stress level and thinking is to do more listening. Part of that is trying to listen more to my children, part of it is getting into listening to music for myself more (not just Radio Disney and Veggie Tales), and part of it is listening to background noise and binaural beats for relaxation. Last night as I was getting ready for bed, I listened to the pre-sleep binaural beat along with ocean sounds. As I closed my eyes, I was instantly visualizing me laying on a beach, perpendicular to the water, laying perfectly still as waves slowly rolled in and washed over me. Now I have been terrified of drowning since as long as I can remember, but this was such a peaceful visualization for me. I felt as though the waves were washing away all of my stress and anxiety and anger. It was so relaxing and calming and peaceful.

Another thing I've been doing in times of stress lately, is deep breathing and as I breathe in I say to myself "Breathe in peace" and as I breathe out I say "Breathe out love". It's amazing how quickly doing that calms me down and makes me feel more positive about my outlook on things.

I would really like to find a yoga video that doesn't make me laugh my head off. I've tried some in the past and they usually just make me laugh like crazy because of the people who lead them. If anyone knows of some good yoga videos that aren't too intense (as a bigger girl, I need to start out not trying to make myself into a pretzel) I would appreciate the recommendations! Also, if you are following this, I just want to thank you for supporting me in my venture to get back into writing and to work towards become a more whole, peaceful, loving person!

Onward and Upward

About a year ago, I started a blog. It was all about how fantastic being 32 was going to be and how I was going to be so phenomenally positive about this particular year in my life. At the time, I really felt it and meant it. But slowly, I allowed circumstances and my own attitude towards the people and events that surrounded me eat me alive. This year has been a dark, bitter year for me and as I approach my birthday in another week and a half, I am reflecting on my own responsibility in regards to my bitterness and unhappiness and I'm taking ownership of it for the first time. This past year and a half I lived through many drastic life changes; bankruptcy, foreclosure, my oldest child starting school and being thrust into the special education referral system, surprise pregnancy followed by horrific miscarriage, my grandmother falling and breaking her hip and having a rough recovery, my father being diagnosed with cancer, my grandmother being in a car accident and fracturing her sternum, and my husband working 80+ hours a week and being gone all of the time, leaving me, for the most part, a single mother.

I've moaned and complained and medicated myself to try to somehow tread through all of this piled up grief and stress, none of which has helped up to this point. I want to try to work to transform my way of thinking; to tear down the walls between myself and what I think my life should be and to allow myself the gift of positive thinking and to allow myself to positively affect the things around me.

This is what I wrote a year ago when I started that now dead blog:

32. I have a good feeling about it. This is where I am going to choose to come each day and share a beautiful or positive thought or image or quote as a part of my own personal choice to live a life more focused and centered on positive things. Here's to the beautiful things in life!

Now, I know every day won't be rainbows and sunshine. I know that. But I want to get back to believing in myself enough to take the time to calm, focus and free my mind to be accepting of the peace and beauty and love that surrounds me every day. Here's where I'm choosing to move onward and upward in hopes to reclaim my direction in life and to reignite my passion for writing.