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My spotted mind

So I haven't been feeling very thankful or positive lately. I'm just being honest. I've been pretty down about just about everything the last couple of weeks. Can't figure out what direction my life is supposed to head in; can't seem to get my head above water. I keep listening to all these different thoughts and ideas and philosophies, but I think maybe instead of listening right now, I need to rest. To calm myself and find peace within myself so that I can be a more attentive listener later. I feel as though right now I am wanting to move in more positive directions, but I feel so cluttered and bogged down that I don't take in everything wholly. I need to let the fog lift and sweep the cobwebs out so I can see clearly what is laid before me. My children have been out of control the past couple of days and it's really taking its toll on me. I realize, though, that perhaps they are taking their cues from me since I feel so out of control lately. Perhaps I should work on helping them find a little peace and calm tomorrow to. Story time with my oldest was nice tonight. She was very attentive and focused. My youngest kept telling me she loved me tonight after we had had a horrible afternoon behavior wise, so I'm thankful for that as well. Trying to count the simple things. I think I'm going to work on getting some rest for myself tonight as my husband works all day again tomorrow, so I'll be going it alone with the girls again tomorrow. Here's to peace and comfort and hope.

Thankfulness in the new year

So today is my birthday. I was rather bummed when yesterday, both of our cars kind of fell apart. The one I usually drive needed two front tires immediately. There was an actual hole in one of the tires, the tread had completely worn off and the other tire was ready to blow. I was mad at first that now I got to spend my birthday money on two new tires and then have to pay also to fix the muffler that is falling off of the car my husband usually drives, but as time went on, I realized, I am so, so, so very thankful that we did not get into an accident with the tires blowing out or that I wasn't in the car alone with the girls when the tires blew or that they didn't go out on our trip to Michigan/Wisconsin a few weeks ago. I am so grateful that I HAD the extra birthday money to help us with this as we don't have any extra right now. I feel a huge amount of peace and comfort in knowing that God's watching out for us, keeping us safe and providing for us and thankful for our family who loves us so much to be so kind and giving on birthdays! Feeling very blessed today and thankful for the big AND little things!

FOCUS!

Ok, so today, amongst all the places I'm supposed to be, I want to start writing/journaling all my ideas for novels. I also need to get my poetry organized. I'll keep you posted. ;)

Song of Carey 33:1

As my birthday approaches, I'm left feeling apprehensive about how this year will go. I've always been weird with numbers and this year I will be 33. Double numbers (22, 33, 44, 55, all except for 11 and 77) give me a not so good feeling (yes, I know I need therapy). Well, whether I like it or not, this 33rd year is coming and I'm trying to think of a positive approach to it. I'm kind of thinking of creating a "bucket list" type goal list for this year to encourage myself to try some new things. A few of my ideas for my list include: Travel to San Francisco to visit friends, create at least two different coffee table books of my landscape/architecture photos, and to try at least three foods from ethnic regions I have not ever before tried. Nothing too crazy, just some things that I feel would inspire me and kind of help restore some of my creativity. Again, I want to make writing a goal for this year, but I think maybe my approach to my writing is all wrong. Maybe I shouldn't make it a goal, but instead start incorporating it into my daily life. I don't want it to be like a diet where I have all these goals and then when it doesn't work or I'm at my goal I just kind of quit. I want to change my daily habits to make it a part of my everyday life. I want it to be a lifestyle change, not just a diet of writing. So as I begin to enter into this 33rd chapter of my life, I aim to do so with an open mind, a joyous heart, and an adventurous spirit. I hope you'll join me on my adventure!

Moment 4 Life

Yesterday I had the pleasure of attending a carnival fundraiser for a little girl at my daughter's school who is in need of a heart transplant. Watching this beautiful little 8 year old girl who is in pretty desperate need for a new heart smile as her friends surrounded her was so beautiful. There was a silent auction and this girl had drawn several pictures that they framed and auctioned off. The pictures were so beautiful and full of hope and joy. Really made me think of how often I complain or get irritated with my own children and how wasteful of time I can be. Reminded me, too, of twin boys I worked with at summer school several years ago who are living with a terminal disease that has brought them to the point where all they can do is communicate by blinking. They also have a younger brother who has the same disease/disorder. The parents of these boys have taken them to Disney World, take them camping, fishing, swimming, traveling, and the boys even played baseball with designated hitters for them and a person who pushed them in their wheelchairs so that they would be able to run the bases. I'm also reminded of Will Norton, the 18 year old who was sucked out of his SUV and killed on his way home from his high school graduation just weeks ago in Joplin, Missouri, and the faith, hope and courage his family has shown and the amazingly full life that Will was able to live in just 18 years. His sister's video is such a beautiful tribute to Will's life and hope that in his death he has touched so many lives is so amazing.
So how does thinking about terminal illnesses and loss of life in children make me work on my positive thinking? Well, as I was driving to town last night, and feel rather down about how unfair it is that these children have had their lives cut so short or have been so limited in what they are able to do because of their illnesses, a song came on that really just made it all click with me. A few lines from the song reminded me so much of the beauty int he joy of the laughter of the kids at the carnival last night and the smile on the boys' faces when we would sing certain songs in summer school and the Willdabeast videos on YouTube that Will Norton shared with the world:

Moment 4 Life by Nicki Minaj

"I fly with the stars in the skies,
I am no longer trying to survive,
I believe that life is a prize,
But to live doesn't mean you're alive. "

"In this very moment I'm king,
In this very moment I slay Goliath with a sling,
This very moment I bring
Put it on everything, that I will retire with the ring,
And I will retire with the crown, Yes!
No I'm not lucky I'm blessed, Yes!
Clap for the heavyweight champ, Me!
But I couldn't do it all alone, We!"

"But to live doesn't mean you're alive." Hit me in the gut. So very, very true. I would say most days I sit around and don't feel or act like I'm alive. Which is ridiculous. I'm not sick. I don't have a terminal disease. I have no excuse not to make the most out of each and every blessed day I am granted. Now I know this doesn't mean I have to go out and travel the seven continents and do crazy things, but I want to be more aware and present in each moment. Learn a little better to pick my battles with people and let go of anger and bitterness towards others. Appreciate the simple beauty in the coming together of people in my community to support a family in need, take time to sniff my daughters' hair and really absorb the radiance in their smiles, tell my husband thank you for all of the sacrifices he makes for our family and how much I appreciate him.

When that song came on last night, I rolled down the window and stuck my arm out the window and let myself "fly" like I used to when I was little. I let the air rush over me as the street lights reminded me of driving around with amazing friends when I was in high school and how very rarely I look back on that time with adoration and appreciation and I chose to love the moment and be thankful for ALL I have lived through and how it has shaped me. If I could have this moment 4 life, I would love the now and be comfortable with this being my legacy, my now, if this is all I ever had. Not that I will ever give up dreaming or hoping for other things or change, but I will be present in the now while having my hope and I will make my life be lived so I can be proud of my now and be happy with it and with who I am while I'm here. So beautiful is the life that's truly lived.

So simple yet so profound

I watched this video the other day thanks to a suggestion by a friend and it just really blew me away with it's simplicity and it's profoundness. Esther's parallel between the Panama Canal locks and how we look at where we want to be in life made so much sense to me and blew my mind all at the same time. It was like I was being smacked in the head with a book of stuff I already know. I need to learn to be ok with where I am now and do what I need to do now so that I am able to pass through the proper channels to get me to where I want to go. I found the video to be very enlightening and inspiring.